Wednesday, August 27, 2014


Update anyone? I really want to become a better blogger, so I have decided to set a reminder to post a blog everyday. I will be using a site that has writing prompts when I am at a loss of what to talk about; hopefully I won't need it often.

Now for the important stuff. The last eight months have been hell. I started my infertility journey and we lost two of the greatest people in the world. My Grandma passed December 20, 2013, two days after my Grandpa's birthday, and my Grandpa passed June 27, 2014, nine days after my Grandma's birthday. We didn't expect either of them to pass, especially this close together. It has been a long and hard grieving process, which has been hindered by family arguments. At this point though, I'm not going to delve into that drama; I'm choosing to be Switzerland.

Rest in Peace
In light of all of the stress and depression, I have decided to step away from trying to conceive until other issues have been resolved. That said, I will still be taking a proactive stance. Since one of my cysts is continuing to grow, I feel it would be best to go on birth control to help shrink/remove the cysts. During this time, I will be working on losing more weight, eating better, and still trying to stop smoking. I feel that I need to work on myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally, before I can bring a baby into my life.

Finally, I saw a post on Facebook today, it was on a private group that I am a  member of, I think that it perfectly sums up how most women struggling with PCOS feel. Since it is a private group, most people will never see these heartbreaking, yet empowering, words. PCOS sucks

"People ask me how I feel. So here it is
Worthless: worthless because I can't give my husband a child. Worthless because I can't give my parents a grandchild. Worthless because my body doesn't work like it should. Worthless because every medicine every treatment that I have done has failed. Worthless because I still can not pass a test. Worthless because I have been stuck at this same weight now for a week. Ugly: Ugly because i have to remove all kinds of hair from my face on a daily basis. Ugly because no matter how many times I pluck, shave or wax the hair seems to reappear by 6:00 pm. Ugly because I break out with acne all over my face at random times. Ugly because of my skanky feet that no matter how hard I try I cannot scrub the funk away.
Depressed: Depressed because all of my friends have children and they tell all these stories their kids do and I'm like well... Guess what my cat did. Depressed because I see the way my husband looks at kids. Depressed because I know that I don't deserve my husband. Depressed because it seems like my whole family including my husband has given up hope that we will ever have kids or our own. Crazy: crazy because how can you miss/love something or someone sooo much that you don't even know. Crazy because every month I still think that it will be the month that the test shows a + instead of a -. Pain: pain because of all the meds that I am on. Pain because it seems like every day cyst burst inside me and it takes all I have in me not to cry. Pain because there isn't one minute that goes by that my body doesn't hurt. Pain because I'm so scared that I will never get to hold our own baby girl or boy. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know that one person can feel sooo many different things at one time. Never until I started this journey did I know that I would take comfort from not only my husband but from complete strangers. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know how truly strong mine and my husbands relationship is. He tries soo hard to be there for me and to understand what I'm going through and I guess in some ways he does, but in others ways he has no idea. Never until I started on this journey of getting pregnant did I know how much I truly needed my husband to be there. Through all my crazy messed up emotions. Through all my good days and bad days. Every time I go through a depressed stage, mad stage or just an emotional stage. I never knew how much I leaned on him and needed him until then. Most importantly. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know how strong I was. I always thought that I was the weak sister. The sister who didn't have any fight in her. But, I know that I do. I know I still have some fight in me because I manage to get up every morning and go to work even though I'm dying on the inside.
The sad thing is after reading through all these emotions and these words. I realize that my feelings change every minute every second another negative thought pops in my head. I just wish there was a way to keep them out."
~Quoted from Monica, PCOS TTC, Facebook


  1. Amber, you are an amazing women. All you have been through and are going through makes you who you are and amazing women!!! Your cousin Nancy.

    1. Thanks Nancy. I feel really down some days, but I try not to stay down. I just wish Grandma was here to keep everyone in line and make things better.