September Reading Challenge

Hello there! Here is the follow up to last nights post. The name of the challenge is "Read-Along With Me". Click on the link to view the full details, but I will list a few highlights. There are 10 categories, and you choose one book for each one that meets it's requirements. For example, the first category is September Release, so you have to pick a book released in September of 2014. Not everyone can read at the same speed, so the challenge founder is fully aware that many people will not be able to read all 10 in a month; it's a guideline. The challenge begins on the 1st and ends on the 31st. She also has a list of suggestions for each category, but you can choose any that fit the description. I hope to see others join in!

Below is my official list, I do have more books for each category, incase something happens and one of the books is unavailable.

Start Date: 1st September
End Date: 30th September

✰ September Release ✰  The Secret Place by Tana French
✰ National Dog Week ✰  Marley & Me by John Grogan
✰ National Chocolate Milkshake Day ✰  Save the Date by Mary Kay Andrews
✰ Freddie Mercury's Birthday ✰  Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn
✰ Very First Comic Strip Printed ✰  Anya's Ghost by Vera Brosgol
✰ Band-Aids Were Invented ✰  One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
✰ Labor Day ✰  Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northup
✰ World War II Began ✰  The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
✰ Sapphire Is September's Birthstone ✰  Divergent by Veronica Roth
✰ Your Moderator's Birthday Month ✰  Matilda by Roald Dahl

Reading

I've been wanting to read more books and branch out from my normal Young Adult novels, so I've decided to do a reading challenge for September. I will post more specifics about it tomorrow. For now, I will list a few books that I'm going to read: Matilda by Roald Dahl, Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northop, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey. I will be writing some sort of review after I finish each book.

 

I've stated in an earlier post that I am dyslexic, so I won't be reading in the traditional sense; I will be using audio books. The nice thing about audio books is multitasking.  I can listen in the car, at work, at home, anywhere. If this challenge turns out well, I may continue on with other challenges. If anyone has any good suggestions, please pass them on.

 

Updates

Update anyone? I really want to become a better blogger, so I have decided to set a reminder to post a blog everyday. I will be using a site that has writing prompts when I am at a loss of what to talk about; hopefully I won't need it often.

Now for the important stuff. The last eight months have been hell. I started my infertility journey and we lost two of the greatest people in the world. My Grandma passed December 20, 2013, two days after my Grandpa's birthday, and my Grandpa passed June 27, 2014, nine days after my Grandma's birthday. We didn't expect either of them to pass, especially this close together. It has been a long and hard grieving process, which has been hindered by family arguments. At this point though, I'm not going to delve into that drama; I'm choosing to be Switzerland.



Rest in Peace

In light of all of the stress and depression, I have decided to step away from trying to conceive until other issues have been resolved. That said, I will still be taking a proactive stance. Since one of my cysts is continuing to grow, I feel it would be best to go on birth control to help shrink/remove the cysts. During this time, I will be working on losing more weight, eating better, and still trying to stop smoking. I feel that I need to work on myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally, before I can bring a baby into my life.

Finally, I saw a post on Facebook today, it was on a private group that I am a  member of, I think that it perfectly sums up how most women struggling with PCOS feel. Since it is a private group, most people will never see these heartbreaking, yet empowering, words. PCOS sucks

"People ask me how I feel. So here it is
Worthless: worthless because I can't give my husband a child. Worthless because I can't give my parents a grandchild. Worthless because my body doesn't work like it should. Worthless because every medicine every treatment that I have done has failed. Worthless because I still can not pass a test. Worthless because I have been stuck at this same weight now for a week. Ugly: Ugly because i have to remove all kinds of hair from my face on a daily basis. Ugly because no matter how many times I pluck, shave or wax the hair seems to reappear by 6:00 pm. Ugly because I break out with acne all over my face at random times. Ugly because of my skanky feet that no matter how hard I try I cannot scrub the funk away.
Depressed: Depressed because all of my friends have children and they tell all these stories their kids do and I'm like well... Guess what my cat did. Depressed because I see the way my husband looks at kids. Depressed because I know that I don't deserve my husband. Depressed because it seems like my whole family including my husband has given up hope that we will ever have kids or our own. Crazy: crazy because how can you miss/love something or someone sooo much that you don't even know. Crazy because every month I still think that it will be the month that the test shows a + instead of a -. Pain: pain because of all the meds that I am on. Pain because it seems like every day cyst burst inside me and it takes all I have in me not to cry. Pain because there isn't one minute that goes by that my body doesn't hurt. Pain because I'm so scared that I will never get to hold our own baby girl or boy. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know that one person can feel sooo many different things at one time. Never until I started this journey did I know that I would take comfort from not only my husband but from complete strangers. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know how truly strong mine and my husbands relationship is. He tries soo hard to be there for me and to understand what I'm going through and I guess in some ways he does, but in others ways he has no idea. Never until I started on this journey of getting pregnant did I know how much I truly needed my husband to be there. Through all my crazy messed up emotions. Through all my good days and bad days. Every time I go through a depressed stage, mad stage or just an emotional stage. I never knew how much I leaned on him and needed him until then. Most importantly. Never until I started on this journey of trying to get pregnant did I know how strong I was. I always thought that I was the weak sister. The sister who didn't have any fight in her. But, I know that I do. I know I still have some fight in me because I manage to get up every morning and go to work even though I'm dying on the inside.
The sad thing is after reading through all these emotions and these words. I realize that my feelings change every minute every second another negative thought pops in my head. I just wish there was a way to keep them out."
~Quoted from Monica, PCOS TTC, Facebook



Joy!

Alrighty. *Happy Dance* I have three months to stop smoking. I have a plan. I know that I can't cold turkey it this time without ending up in prison for murder. So... thanks to my wonderful android smart phone, I downloaded an app called Smoker Reducer Quit Smoking. As long as I am honest, and don't cheat, it will work. I also have Nicorette for the cravings in-between; like I said, I don't want to go to prison.

I also have to lose some amount of weight. The doctor said she wasn't going to set me up for failure by giving me a number I probably couldn't reach. As many people who know me know, I have struggled with my weight for... well, ever. So, I am using MyFitnessPal to track my food, I have several other apps by the same developer that I like as well. I am really excited about using Zombies, Run! and The Walk, they both seem like super fun apps to track walking/running.

Why is all of this important? Well, we have been trying to get pregnant for around two years now and we have been pretty unsuccessful. I started seeing a doctor in January to find out what is going on. Many things were bounced around, but the only one that may actually fit is PCOS, but I don't have the major sign. So, she told me that I have three months to get my act together, and if I still haven't gotten pregnant, then she will start me on fertility medication. SO EXCITED! She thinks that if I can get my weight under control, then I will have no problem.

That brings me to the consultation coming up with a new doctor about having Bariatric Surgery. My doctor thinks I am a very good candidate, and quite frankly the thought of being around 160 pounds within 3-6 months makes me very happy. If I have the surgery done, I would have to wait about a year to get pregnant; my weight would need to stabilize. Other than that, I see no drawbacks.
So this year will be pretty busy for me, hopefully. I am so looking forward to holding a little baby within the next year or two. Woot woot!

Petition - Please Sign

*UPDATE* This petition is no longer active. Unfortunately, it did not receive the signatures needed.

The below information is taken from The White House website, a petition to require ALL states to include fertility treatments for every insured person. Please sign the petition here.

 

We petition the Obama administration to:
Include infertility treatments/care for every insured individual as part of their health insurance coverage.
Approximately 7.3 million couples in the U.S. suffer from infertility.
44% of women have sought medical treatment for infertility.
Currently, only 15 states provide coverage for infertility.
Our goal is to make it mandatory for every state to provide couples with care and treatment for infertility as an essential health care benefit.
We believe that every couple should be able to experience the joys of parenthood if they would like to.
The option to seek treatment should be affordable and not cause the "Average" American family to suffer financial hardships.
So many couples suffer from depression due to infertility, leading to loss of jobs, friendships and even marriages.
With your signature we can make parenthood a "Probability" and not a "Possibility".


If every person who see this petition signs and passes it along, that puts women like myself, one step closer to living our dreams. Infertility may not affect you, but more than likely, it affects someone you know. The affects from suffering infertility have been studied and proven to be just as mentally exhausting as suffering from Cancer. There are many different types of infertility, and it doesn't just affect women, but women usually feel stronger about it than men.

Resources:
Petition
Infertility Fact Sheet
5 Things Infertile Couples Want Others to Know
20 Things I Couldn't Say to My Fertility Doctor When I Was Her Patient
Infertility: 16 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman Who Is Childless But Not By Choice

Well... Not What I Wanted...

In my opinion you should always expect the worst, never the best. I do not even think about the best outcome anymore, that way, I am never disappointed. Why then did I bawl like a little baby yesterday after me doctors appointment? Let me tell you. It's always nervous having new procedures done, but the tech was wonderful. She kept me calm and cracked a lot of jokes. It was great, until a giant black mass showed up on the ultrasound screen. My doctors and I already discussed Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) plus it was brought up to me when I was sixteen, so nothing terribly new. I think it was just the shock of actually seeing it; like out of sight out of mind? It didn't help, either, that I had a counseling appointment yesterday that I wasn't able to go to. The office was supposed to send me the address and directions in addition to the paper work that I needed to fill out. Well, I never got it. Of course, you don't make the appointment directly with the office, it's through some centralized scheduling office, and they never answer when you call. I got the run-around all afternoon trying to figure out where to go, my appointment time came and went without me. They didn't even call to say I missed my appointment. The sad thing is, I really could have used that appointment yesterday.
I have to wait exactly one week to get some real answers about what's going, and possible treatments. It should not be this hard.

Food for thought:

John 16:33 "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Deuteronomy 8:2 "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands."

Psalms 139:13,16 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Lamentations 3:33 "For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."

Please Refer to the Blog Title for My Absence...

As the name of the blog suggests, my life is crazy. I got the stomach flu and then I decided it would probably be a good idea to see a doctor for a check-up. I also had some very specific questions, which I will get to in a bit. Some of the things that prompted this visit to the doctor are as follows:
I felt like my hypoglycemia was out of control, verging on diabetes. Well, I don't have diabetes, yay!
I am always tired, and always getting sick. They checked my thyroid and said it's fine. They did do a bunch of other blood tests though. They found out that I am vitamin D deficient, oh joy... Other than that, I'm pretty healthy.

Now for the more specific questions... I wanted to know why, after being in a relationship for 7 years and actively trying for at least 2 years, I haven't gotten pregnant. When I was in high school I was told I may have PCOS, so when my new primary care doctor recommended I go to a gynecologist to get checked, it didn't surprise me. The only real news that I got is that I have no STIs. I go back on the 18th for an ultrasound to make sure that everything is good structurally, then I have another visit the week after. I hope to start getting some answers.

It breaks my heart to think that I may never be able to have children of my own. I will most likely never be able to afford fertility treatments or adoption. I have had names picked out for a few years now too, and I don't know if I will ever be able to use them: Benjamin Christopher and Alayna Kathryn.

I am working on setting up a counseling appointment because I think it's time to get some help. I need to get out of this funk I am in and start living again.

Peace!